Anatomy of a Step Class

Okay. So if you know me, you know I am so not a stepper. Sure I like to dance but I march to the beat of my own drum. I am the William Hung of dancing. I love it and I do it but I know I am not good at it. I just do it for the love...

Enter my step class* nightmare...

Don't get me wrong, I take exercise classes and they are choreographed but I take weight classes. We do low weights at high reps to music and stick to the beat. Yup, I can certainly stick to the beat if I am doing arm curls, squats, lunges, triceps extensions, etc. No problem, I can count to four.

But no one asks me to do over-the-top, around-the-world, shase (sp?), criss-cross, t-step, and on and on and on -- ALL IN ONE SONG!

First song ends, instructors says "Okay, that was easy, let's move on to the good stuff". Excuse me?? Pardon Moi?? WTF?? No really...I got how many more of these? Are there any slow songs?

By the third song, every muscle is tired, I have never sweat so much in my life, labour suddenly seems so easy, and the little line that was forming between my eyebrows (you know the one that you think maybe Botox is the only thing that will help) is now six millimeters deeper from concentrating so hard on the instructors steps.

Oh my, I just realized I have actually been staring at her butt for an hour....man, she has a nice a--, never mind, sorry....awkward...

I manage to get through many, many songs, I don't know how many, I don't even know what the songs were since I was concentrating so hard on the steps. I even managed to figure out some of the 8 beat combinations (okay, maybe only one).

I am sure that in the middle of the night I will wake up several times and find myself trying to figure out those steps. 1,2,3,4...and 5,6,7,8. Shase-over-the-top, mambo one time, shase, turn step right...and repeat on the other side. Around the world, triple knee repeater, other side.

Round out all that stepping and breathing and sweating with a little abdominal workout (7 freaking minutes long -- who writes songs that are THAT long anyways) just in case you weren't already tired enough. Don't laugh because then I might and I am afraid to. It may hurt.

Best part? Cool down. Yeah, I like that! 'Cuz dang-nabbit I am overheating and it ain't hot flashes (this time)!

One liter of water later, a bit of toweling down myself and the general area around me, and you may ask: Will you do it again?** You betcha! I am far too stubborn to let those 20-somethings out-do this 40-something.

Honestly though, the 20-somethings are really quite nice to their elders. They don't laugh at us every time.

I do ask one thing: please, please, please don't change anything....no new songs, okay?? Please...

The real reason I will return: I want my a-- to look like that! Maybe its just a dream but a girl has gotta have her dreams, baby.

Now...where did I put those Epsom salts.........

This William Hung of step class exits stage left.

* apparently no one told this newbie stepper that this was an intermediate-advanced step class until it was too late.
** I have returned and, yeah, still three left feet but I am consistent.